Joking aside, this story is excellent. Reads like you've got a headset on. Almost trip over the sleeping bag the way it pops up like that. Same with the drink, you had me reaching for it. This is brilliant writing, I've read it twice and second time was even better.
Kris, thank you so, so, so much! I'm thrilled you enjoyed the piece and that you experienced it in the way you did. Your compliments are so motivating. I hope you'll also call me out when something doesn't work for you so I can learn to correct it. Much love and appreciation, my fellow writer! Have a great week!
Apr 12, 2022·edited Apr 12, 2022Liked by Maegan Heil
Maegan,
Unfortunately(said with tongue-in-cheek), your story does a good job of generating an unpleasant experience for the reader—at least this reader. I enjoy feeling something, rather than nothing when reading a story. This happened for me here. Even if the feeling is "negative." (As we know, emotions are neither "good" or "bad" they just are), so this story/scene pulled me along, and triggered memories of my misspent youth.
N0t sure if this helps, but will point out a few of the obvious aspects of this story that makes Morning After work—for me at least.
The conflict is clear: the narrator's desperate dehydration is palpable, as is their desire to quench their thirst. Their goal is clear: narrator's gotta get hold of a bottle of something drinkable on the other side of the room.
The obstacles are clear: in addition to alcohol positioning, the narrator and has to get past the physical obstacles of other humans passed-out on the floor to get to a bottle of something that might be hydrating. This creates tension in the reader's mind—while revealing the character (narrator steps on someone and says sorry)
Even though there is little description, I was able to sense the narrator’s hungover condition. (The repeating of "good party" did that for me). That plus the stuffy after-party stench of cigarettes, spilled beer (not mentioned explicitly but its there in the back of my mind), people snoring in musty sleeping bags, living room floor strewn with bodies—a living floor in a living room. Things were’t overly described, allowing me to fill things in organically, which I always appreciate in certain situations.
I liked the coke pepsi lines. Highlighted for me the illusion of choice for a narrator who may not have made the best choices the night before.
As unpleasant as a hangover can be, it's an experience that I was able to relate to. I like the way it went from a “not too terrible situation” to one that became more unpleasant.
Field Trip was similar in that way. Went from a fun playful experience that digresses rapidly into an experience of repulsiveness and embarrassment. Unpleasant, yes, but generating an experience in the reader nonetheless. The nature of the experience may not be considered "positive," by most people, but it is good that any feeling is generated in the reader.
So, on that note of "quality" do you know Eleven by Sandra Cisneros? If not, I thought you might find aspects of this story interesting. It's short, but packs in ample amounts of emotional qualities for the reader, and does so in a few pages.
Steve, just wow. What insightful feedback. First, thank you for being so incredibly generous with your time.
I love how you walked me through what was happening as you were reading, noting what worked and why. I'm also very happy (and sorry, hehe) to read that this one had an effect on you.
What you've done here, this story dissection, damn near a line-by-line (a million thanks for that!!) is so unbelievably helpful, and a skill in itself--one I need to practice.
I will be taking all of your above thoughts into mind for future stories (and for redrafts as I eventually work my way backwards).
Thank you as well for the suggested additional reading. Looking forward to those!
Have a great week, my fellow writer, and I really can't say it enough: thank you again!!!
You're welcome. If time energy permits outside of the ever important duties of motherhood, feel free to "take off the gloves" on any of my stuff. No obligation to do so. Keep up the good work.
Beggars can't be choosers Maegan.
😆
Joking aside, this story is excellent. Reads like you've got a headset on. Almost trip over the sleeping bag the way it pops up like that. Same with the drink, you had me reaching for it. This is brilliant writing, I've read it twice and second time was even better.
Kris, thank you so, so, so much! I'm thrilled you enjoyed the piece and that you experienced it in the way you did. Your compliments are so motivating. I hope you'll also call me out when something doesn't work for you so I can learn to correct it. Much love and appreciation, my fellow writer! Have a great week!
I will, don't worry. So far really enjoying the stuff. Much love back! Keep up the good work, and have a good one!
Maegan,
Unfortunately(said with tongue-in-cheek), your story does a good job of generating an unpleasant experience for the reader—at least this reader. I enjoy feeling something, rather than nothing when reading a story. This happened for me here. Even if the feeling is "negative." (As we know, emotions are neither "good" or "bad" they just are), so this story/scene pulled me along, and triggered memories of my misspent youth.
N0t sure if this helps, but will point out a few of the obvious aspects of this story that makes Morning After work—for me at least.
The conflict is clear: the narrator's desperate dehydration is palpable, as is their desire to quench their thirst. Their goal is clear: narrator's gotta get hold of a bottle of something drinkable on the other side of the room.
The obstacles are clear: in addition to alcohol positioning, the narrator and has to get past the physical obstacles of other humans passed-out on the floor to get to a bottle of something that might be hydrating. This creates tension in the reader's mind—while revealing the character (narrator steps on someone and says sorry)
Even though there is little description, I was able to sense the narrator’s hungover condition. (The repeating of "good party" did that for me). That plus the stuffy after-party stench of cigarettes, spilled beer (not mentioned explicitly but its there in the back of my mind), people snoring in musty sleeping bags, living room floor strewn with bodies—a living floor in a living room. Things were’t overly described, allowing me to fill things in organically, which I always appreciate in certain situations.
I liked the coke pepsi lines. Highlighted for me the illusion of choice for a narrator who may not have made the best choices the night before.
As unpleasant as a hangover can be, it's an experience that I was able to relate to. I like the way it went from a “not too terrible situation” to one that became more unpleasant.
Field Trip was similar in that way. Went from a fun playful experience that digresses rapidly into an experience of repulsiveness and embarrassment. Unpleasant, yes, but generating an experience in the reader nonetheless. The nature of the experience may not be considered "positive," by most people, but it is good that any feeling is generated in the reader.
So, on that note of "quality" do you know Eleven by Sandra Cisneros? If not, I thought you might find aspects of this story interesting. It's short, but packs in ample amounts of emotional qualities for the reader, and does so in a few pages.
https://serflo1.com/Eleven%20story.pdf
Also see if you can get hold of the short story "The Hangover" by John D. MacDonald.
Steve, just wow. What insightful feedback. First, thank you for being so incredibly generous with your time.
I love how you walked me through what was happening as you were reading, noting what worked and why. I'm also very happy (and sorry, hehe) to read that this one had an effect on you.
What you've done here, this story dissection, damn near a line-by-line (a million thanks for that!!) is so unbelievably helpful, and a skill in itself--one I need to practice.
I will be taking all of your above thoughts into mind for future stories (and for redrafts as I eventually work my way backwards).
Thank you as well for the suggested additional reading. Looking forward to those!
Have a great week, my fellow writer, and I really can't say it enough: thank you again!!!
You're welcome. If time energy permits outside of the ever important duties of motherhood, feel free to "take off the gloves" on any of my stuff. No obligation to do so. Keep up the good work.
I appreciate that, Steve!
Eleven was excellent, thank you.
Steve, I found "The Hangover," as well on Archive.org. So double thanks. :)