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This is such a gripping story! And telling it through these two personalities is such a smart and effective way to do it. It eliminates the risk of using thought verbs, so all that action and description is forced onto the reader to experience themself. It pulls (polls?) the reader straight into it.
Really great. You set a high bar for the rest of us!
So, ever since I read this fantastic story, I find I can no longer run downstairs in socks and sandals, even though it’s faster than putting on shoes, even to just pick up a package, or delivery, even though probably the only person who’ll see me is the front desk girls (and they’re paid to treat every tenant like each of us is important and we aren’t a bunch of weirdos), even though I’m loved and adored by kids and a wife (whom presumably I don’t have to pretend to be cool enough for anymore), even though, even though...
Love it! Even found myself reading the whole thing in my head with American accents.
A question: How did you know at each poll question exactly which option the reader would pick? (I'm sure it wasn't just me picking the winner every single time). Very clever!
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an unexplainable craving for some Lemco. Gonna order some while the urge is still there.
This is probably the most original story I've ever read. The humour is brilliant, I'm hooked to what's happening, the polls are a genius touch.
Awesome stuff, Maegan.
Wonderfully done Maeghan! I actually wrote a story similar in structure to this one, also with two commentators, so I know how difficult it is to pull off. Thought you did a masterful job. Personally I'm old school and don't need the poll but it's a clever distraction for the youngins so whatevs. I loved the subtle, ominous undertones here. Although the piece is innately humorous, it's not about laughing at someone else's misfortunes. Her failures, and her struggles, are ours. Keep up the great work.
I love this so much! I love how at first you think, "Oh, it's commentators doing a play-by-play of a woman's morning after walk of shame. That's funny." Then it's gradually revealed how much deeper and more disturbing this goes. So well done!
Enjoyed this! You read my recent breakup story. One thing I’ll say is that cell phone brought up a memory for me that I’m still paranoid about. There was a time following my breakup that I wondered if my ex had installed some sort of monitoring software/app on my phone.
Like that maybe she’d somehow snooped on me -- even though I hadn’t been cheating or doing anything wrong. That’s how weird things got at the end. Doesn’t totally relate to this story, but it brought up that odd paranoia I felt in what was a tumultuous and very confusing and painful breakup. Great story!
That was freaking good, thanks!