This is such a gripping story! And telling it through these two personalities is such a smart and effective way to do it. It eliminates the risk of using thought verbs, so all that action and description is forced onto the reader to experience themself. It pulls (polls?) the reader straight into it.
Really great. You set a high bar for the rest of us!
Thank you so much Matt! And thanks for noticing about the verbs! I was trying to see how much I could show through gestures and description of action. It was kind of like exercising a new muscle at first! Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Love the pun, haha!
So, ever since I read this fantastic story, I find I can no longer run downstairs in socks and sandals, even though it’s faster than putting on shoes, even to just pick up a package, or delivery, even though probably the only person who’ll see me is the front desk girls (and they’re paid to treat every tenant like each of us is important and we aren’t a bunch of weirdos), even though I’m loved and adored by kids and a wife (whom presumably I don’t have to pretend to be cool enough for anymore), even though, even though...
Love it! Even found myself reading the whole thing in my head with American accents.
A question: How did you know at each poll question exactly which option the reader would pick? (I'm sure it wasn't just me picking the winner every single time). Very clever!
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an unexplainable craving for some Lemco. Gonna order some while the urge is still there.
Thanks so much for reading, Kris! And for the added work with the accents haha! 😆
As for the polls, I’m afraid it is you picking the winner every single time. I included the real polls as an interactive bonus, and was curious to see if they would pan out with the results the audience in the story had selected...
Wow, Thank you so much, Benjamin!! 🥰 🥰 🥰 I'm honored.
I wasn't sure if the experimental format would work. I do have more "chapters" in mind, but am hesitant to continue because I don't know that people would enjoy reading that style for an extended period.
Also, I do wish Substack would allow the polls to be open longer for people who don't catch the story within the first six days after posting.
Anywho, thanks again so very much for reading And commenting. I have your latest tales at the top of my earmarked list of To Read, by the way. I got behind on my reading and now my inbox is drowning in a sea of unread Substack posts!
Thank you so much for keeping up with my stories. Got a few weeks off from work, so I'm kind of posting a bit more than usual now.
About next chapters my very personal suggestion would be to write them down anyway. Because once on paper they develop, change shape. You can see things better and take the bigger picture. Then, if you feel like that style is hard to maintain for the reader, you can always turn the work into a "Quilt" shape. Basically what Chuck did with "Haunted".
Not sure if you've ever heard him talking about it , but the "Quilt" shape, in Chuck terms, is "A novel that provides a context for telling many short stories". You could tweak the concept and use that structure to alternate the brilliant style you worked on here with a more "conventional" one. Dunno, just an idea.
Wonderfully done Maeghan! I actually wrote a story similar in structure to this one, also with two commentators, so I know how difficult it is to pull off. Thought you did a masterful job. Personally I'm old school and don't need the poll but it's a clever distraction for the youngins so whatevs. I loved the subtle, ominous undertones here. Although the piece is innately humorous, it's not about laughing at someone else's misfortunes. Her failures, and her struggles, are ours. Keep up the great work.
Jack, thank you so much for your encouraging comments. Really helps to have words like these to come back on days when I can't seem to get anything on the page. And so glad that you shared your read on the tone of the piece. I never really know if I'm hitting my attempt until a reader tells me how they experienced something. Thanks again, Jack!
I love this so much! I love how at first you think, "Oh, it's commentators doing a play-by-play of a woman's morning after walk of shame. That's funny." Then it's gradually revealed how much deeper and more disturbing this goes. So well done!
Enjoyed this! You read my recent breakup story. One thing I’ll say is that cell phone brought up a memory for me that I’m still paranoid about. There was a time following my breakup that I wondered if my ex had installed some sort of monitoring software/app on my phone.
Like that maybe she’d somehow snooped on me -- even though I hadn’t been cheating or doing anything wrong. That’s how weird things got at the end. Doesn’t totally relate to this story, but it brought up that odd paranoia I felt in what was a tumultuous and very confusing and painful breakup. Great story!
Thanks for reading, Matt! And thank you for sharing the connection you experienced. Love is a very powerful emotion, and breakups can take us to dark places. But sometimes that's exactly where we need to go to get back our true selves. And if we're lucky, there will be a little crack of light waiting for us too. Hope to read more from you soon!
This is such a gripping story! And telling it through these two personalities is such a smart and effective way to do it. It eliminates the risk of using thought verbs, so all that action and description is forced onto the reader to experience themself. It pulls (polls?) the reader straight into it.
Really great. You set a high bar for the rest of us!
Thank you so much Matt! And thanks for noticing about the verbs! I was trying to see how much I could show through gestures and description of action. It was kind of like exercising a new muscle at first! Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Love the pun, haha!
So, ever since I read this fantastic story, I find I can no longer run downstairs in socks and sandals, even though it’s faster than putting on shoes, even to just pick up a package, or delivery, even though probably the only person who’ll see me is the front desk girls (and they’re paid to treat every tenant like each of us is important and we aren’t a bunch of weirdos), even though I’m loved and adored by kids and a wife (whom presumably I don’t have to pretend to be cool enough for anymore), even though, even though...
I sometimes wonder if it’d be better to just hobbit around barefoot!?!?
I’m sure you can pull off socks with sandals just fine, Wil. 😁
I've been known to wear socks with flip-flops to check the mail...
Love it! Even found myself reading the whole thing in my head with American accents.
A question: How did you know at each poll question exactly which option the reader would pick? (I'm sure it wasn't just me picking the winner every single time). Very clever!
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an unexplainable craving for some Lemco. Gonna order some while the urge is still there.
Thanks so much for reading, Kris! And for the added work with the accents haha! 😆
As for the polls, I’m afraid it is you picking the winner every single time. I included the real polls as an interactive bonus, and was curious to see if they would pan out with the results the audience in the story had selected...
Glad to hear you enjoyed it. Thanks again!
Humans are predictable. 😁
This is probably the most original story I've ever read. The humour is brilliant, I'm hooked to what's happening, the polls are a genius touch.
Awesome stuff, Maegan.
Wow, Thank you so much, Benjamin!! 🥰 🥰 🥰 I'm honored.
I wasn't sure if the experimental format would work. I do have more "chapters" in mind, but am hesitant to continue because I don't know that people would enjoy reading that style for an extended period.
Also, I do wish Substack would allow the polls to be open longer for people who don't catch the story within the first six days after posting.
Anywho, thanks again so very much for reading And commenting. I have your latest tales at the top of my earmarked list of To Read, by the way. I got behind on my reading and now my inbox is drowning in a sea of unread Substack posts!
Thank you so much for keeping up with my stories. Got a few weeks off from work, so I'm kind of posting a bit more than usual now.
About next chapters my very personal suggestion would be to write them down anyway. Because once on paper they develop, change shape. You can see things better and take the bigger picture. Then, if you feel like that style is hard to maintain for the reader, you can always turn the work into a "Quilt" shape. Basically what Chuck did with "Haunted".
Not sure if you've ever heard him talking about it , but the "Quilt" shape, in Chuck terms, is "A novel that provides a context for telling many short stories". You could tweak the concept and use that structure to alternate the brilliant style you worked on here with a more "conventional" one. Dunno, just an idea.
Keep up the good work. This is awesome stuff.
Thanks for the added input. Much appreciated!!!
Wonderfully done Maeghan! I actually wrote a story similar in structure to this one, also with two commentators, so I know how difficult it is to pull off. Thought you did a masterful job. Personally I'm old school and don't need the poll but it's a clever distraction for the youngins so whatevs. I loved the subtle, ominous undertones here. Although the piece is innately humorous, it's not about laughing at someone else's misfortunes. Her failures, and her struggles, are ours. Keep up the great work.
Jack, thank you so much for your encouraging comments. Really helps to have words like these to come back on days when I can't seem to get anything on the page. And so glad that you shared your read on the tone of the piece. I never really know if I'm hitting my attempt until a reader tells me how they experienced something. Thanks again, Jack!
I love this so much! I love how at first you think, "Oh, it's commentators doing a play-by-play of a woman's morning after walk of shame. That's funny." Then it's gradually revealed how much deeper and more disturbing this goes. So well done!
Hi Karin! Thank you so much for reading and commenting. So glad you enjoyed!
My pleasure! Looking forward to reading more of your work. 🙂
Enjoyed this! You read my recent breakup story. One thing I’ll say is that cell phone brought up a memory for me that I’m still paranoid about. There was a time following my breakup that I wondered if my ex had installed some sort of monitoring software/app on my phone.
Like that maybe she’d somehow snooped on me -- even though I hadn’t been cheating or doing anything wrong. That’s how weird things got at the end. Doesn’t totally relate to this story, but it brought up that odd paranoia I felt in what was a tumultuous and very confusing and painful breakup. Great story!
Thanks for reading, Matt! And thank you for sharing the connection you experienced. Love is a very powerful emotion, and breakups can take us to dark places. But sometimes that's exactly where we need to go to get back our true selves. And if we're lucky, there will be a little crack of light waiting for us too. Hope to read more from you soon!
That was freaking good, thanks!
Hey, thanks so much for reading and commenting, Brian!