Good evening, FRESH MEATers! Tonight’s tale is about a girl named Tara, who had a face to die for. So grab a bucket of popcorn, curl up with your cat, and watch (or read below) if you dare! This one’s gonna leave you Tara-fied…
Great story! Love the twists! Good use of objects! Somehow, perversely perhaps, I want to order pizza for dinner? In my defense, I always want to order pizza for dinner.
Minor suggestion: I wonder if you could find an object to tie Pizza Face and his waiting together, even now. Maybe Morgan takes the ribbon and slips into Tara’s dress and PizzaFace has her wedding gown and asks what to do with it and she says I don’t need it now but he keeps it, so he can say something like True Love Waits, I still got that dress...
I like how you capture the universal concerns of high school, but also the new reality of influencer makeup channels!
And I know this is a sitcom/movie plot, but I did in real life have a buddy who went to Catholic school and loved the purity messaging because somehow the butthole didn’t count?!?!?
In the video, I am wearing the green scarf, and so I was hoping the audience would be left feeling that Pastor Brad and Morgan worked out in the end, that in the end, she gave the ribbon back. In Youngstown, I wanted to tie the green ribbon into a tie like on a pastor collar. But I couldn't figure out how to do it! Maybe I will call attention to the ribbon again at the end. Like Pastor Brad will say, "the green ribbon, this green ribbon" and adjust his collar or something. If I can figure out how to show his actions from his perspective.
But now, the wedding dress idea, that is even more interesting, and it would bring that object back...
Awww.... that’s sweet, in a sick ‘murderers need love, too’ world. I’m the devil who wants his characters to sacrifice their humanity only to fail to gain what they hoped their sacrifice would achieve.
I really liked this.😊 My favorite of yours so far.
Feedback: I was getting dragged happily through the horror until you hit me with the "I" pronoun, and then I got pulled out. I wasn't sure who "I" was. 😬 I'm sure I missed something along the way, but to try to keep going I decided "I" was Morgan's dad - until a few lines later when "Morgan's daddy" reappeared in the third person. So, I'm still not sure who the narrator was. Also, not entirely sure who Pizza Face is in relation to Morgan and her dad. Does he just work for them? I'm sure a second read would clarify some of this for me and I will read it again. Just wanted to throw some first impressions at you.
Gym glass stuff was great. I got all goosebumpy about prom. Love the rumors around Morgan railing dead guys and the Instagram face stuff. So great, Maegan. Well done!!!
And thanks for letting me know where I tripped you up.
The "I" at the end was intentional--meant to be part of the twist. Going for the unreliable narrator feel where you're not sure who is telling the story until the end. The narrator here is Pizza Face, AKA Brad Zitt, AKA Pastor Brad. :)
But I wanted the reader to start by thinking it was Morgan telling the story, then thinking Oh, maybe it's her dad, but in the end, nope, it's Pastor Brad who loved Morgan all along...
Thanks for reading and commenting!! 🥩🥩🥩
And I'll take another look and see how I can make the "I" less of a trip-up!
To clarify: the narrator is Pastor Brad as an adult, telling a story from his youth as Brad Zitt/Pizza Face, who in my head, worked for Morgan’s dad. I wish I’d put a poll in to get a gauge of how many readers/watchers felt at the end that they got the narrator twist!! It’s a very important piece, so thank you again for speaking up. Hope to dive into your latest tonight!!
Apr 3, 2023·edited Apr 3, 2023Liked by Maegan Heil
Language insanity, in all the best ways! Your writing is like a bunch of firecrackers popping right in front of my face. I love the beginning, especially the stuff about "untying" the ribbon.
"What’s the first thing them boys wanted to do when they seen that ribbon? That’s right, they wanted to untie it. Because you see girls, whatcha don’t understand is how hard it is for a boy to see a girl with purity in his heart when she’s doing her Mile Run in a pair of booty shorts, face done up like a supermodel. A boy sees a ring on a finger, and his mind says, Taken. But a boy sees a ribbon, and his mind goes, A present? For me?"
Thank you, Matt! Funny, that paragraph you pulled is probably my favorite part of the whole story too, haha. Happy that you enjoyed this, and looking forward to reading more of Your work as well! 🥩🥩🥩
Aw, Matt, thank you so much for noticing the nod to outside horror! I was wondering if anyone would pick up on that, and I'm so glad you did! Woo! Made my day, ha!
I also love what you said about the narrator and his invisible presence. Yes! This is what I was trying for!!!! So again, double thanks for picking up on that too.
Also, thank you for pointing out the funeral home job confusion. Was going for Narrator/Pizza Face as assistant to the mortician (Morgan's dad). But I am for sure looking forward to working out those kinks in future drafts to add some much needed clarity in certain places!
Ah yes! I understood he worked for the funeral home, I just didn't know if it was a family business. This makes the motivation even creepier. And it's already creepy.
Maegan! Voice is always top-notch in your pieces. You're obviously mentally unwell dreaming up ideas like this. Takes one to know one. =}
To echo some other comments, I admit to losing track of who's who at points. Usually I chalk that up to being kind of dense, but maybe here the unreliable narrator is a little too unreliable. One idea could be to introduce I earlier into the piece. The reader still wouldn't know who the narrator is, but it could orient the reader in advance of the twist.
As it reads, I'd say it's clearly in first-person POV even though it seems like third-person POV. Pulling that off is an incredible feat of which you should be very proud.
Hey Amran! Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate you chiming in on the narrator. There's a fine line between enticing the reader into an ah-ha moment and confusing them.
My burying the I until the end was in part due to me trying to mimic what Chuck P. recently did in his story, "Commencement." But I'll also admit that I was writing in a different way than usual. 1) Trying to keep this extra tight due to it being written for story night and the 15 minute time cap. 2) Trying to have it read a certain way since it was being read out loud. I have to say it's been interesting learning the differences between a written vs. spoken story. They do different things on the page vs. in the ear! It's quite the challenge to balance. That said, now that the read aloud is over, I'm looking forward to seeing what revisions I can fix in.
And thanks for noticing the first person/third person thing. It took me down to the last minute to figure out how to frame this thing!
Apr 3, 2023·edited Apr 3, 2023Liked by Maegan Heil
I think you nailed the buried I, so it's a tricky decision whether to introduce it earlier or not. I think another possibility might be to reduce the amount of nicknames/names. Remember, Chuck says names are "abstractions" and he's dead on. Having to keep track of multiple names for the same character makes the reader have to work that much harder.
All that said, while I like clear narration I also enjoy working for the payoff, so by no means would I suggest wholesale changes to this piece.
As for written vs. spoken -- no doubt! With my fiction pieces I always read them aloud to myself during revision. When you do you can immediately identify when something's off. I tend to read my satire and comedy pieces aloud to my wife as well in advance of publishing. That's mostly so I don't get canceled.
Aw, Matt, thank you so much. So happy to hear that you got those payoffs in the end. That is always the aim! Can't thank you enough for coming back. For taking the time. For me, that's the best payoff--having readers like you. Until we meat again, my friend. 🥩🥩🥩
Apr 10, 2023·edited Apr 10, 2023Liked by Maegan Heil
I'm continuously impressed by your ability to conjure up so perfectly in one or two simple images that shared high school experience. This is perfect: "Derrick punts a basketball to the ceiling and knocks out a light, one of those metal halide bulbs."
Loved the bitchiness in the hello MORG-an, as well! It's perfect.
How you manage to get the reader reading it in a certain voice in their head is another skill of yours I'm in awe off. It's those two lines near the beginning in which the narrator says y'all. After that the whole story reads in said accent and tone. It's fucking great, Maegan! I'm not even American but you still get me reading it in that accent in my head.
Thank you so much, Kris! I experience the same sort of accent shift when I read your autobiographical stories! I loved your voice in those, and letting it play in my head! So right back atcha, my friend! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Your nod of approval means a lot!
Great story! Love the twists! Good use of objects! Somehow, perversely perhaps, I want to order pizza for dinner? In my defense, I always want to order pizza for dinner.
Minor suggestion: I wonder if you could find an object to tie Pizza Face and his waiting together, even now. Maybe Morgan takes the ribbon and slips into Tara’s dress and PizzaFace has her wedding gown and asks what to do with it and she says I don’t need it now but he keeps it, so he can say something like True Love Waits, I still got that dress...
I like how you capture the universal concerns of high school, but also the new reality of influencer makeup channels!
And I know this is a sitcom/movie plot, but I did in real life have a buddy who went to Catholic school and loved the purity messaging because somehow the butthole didn’t count?!?!?
Thanks, Wil!
In the video, I am wearing the green scarf, and so I was hoping the audience would be left feeling that Pastor Brad and Morgan worked out in the end, that in the end, she gave the ribbon back. In Youngstown, I wanted to tie the green ribbon into a tie like on a pastor collar. But I couldn't figure out how to do it! Maybe I will call attention to the ribbon again at the end. Like Pastor Brad will say, "the green ribbon, this green ribbon" and adjust his collar or something. If I can figure out how to show his actions from his perspective.
But now, the wedding dress idea, that is even more interesting, and it would bring that object back...
But yes, good suggestions. Thank you. 🥩🥩🥩
Awww.... that’s sweet, in a sick ‘murderers need love, too’ world. I’m the devil who wants his characters to sacrifice their humanity only to fail to gain what they hoped their sacrifice would achieve.
Oh Maegan... oh... ee... ack... aaahhhhh!!! 🔥🔥🔥
I really liked this.😊 My favorite of yours so far.
Feedback: I was getting dragged happily through the horror until you hit me with the "I" pronoun, and then I got pulled out. I wasn't sure who "I" was. 😬 I'm sure I missed something along the way, but to try to keep going I decided "I" was Morgan's dad - until a few lines later when "Morgan's daddy" reappeared in the third person. So, I'm still not sure who the narrator was. Also, not entirely sure who Pizza Face is in relation to Morgan and her dad. Does he just work for them? I'm sure a second read would clarify some of this for me and I will read it again. Just wanted to throw some first impressions at you.
Gym glass stuff was great. I got all goosebumpy about prom. Love the rumors around Morgan railing dead guys and the Instagram face stuff. So great, Maegan. Well done!!!
Thanks for sticking through it, Meg! Haha!!
And thanks for letting me know where I tripped you up.
The "I" at the end was intentional--meant to be part of the twist. Going for the unreliable narrator feel where you're not sure who is telling the story until the end. The narrator here is Pizza Face, AKA Brad Zitt, AKA Pastor Brad. :)
But I wanted the reader to start by thinking it was Morgan telling the story, then thinking Oh, maybe it's her dad, but in the end, nope, it's Pastor Brad who loved Morgan all along...
Thanks for reading and commenting!! 🥩🥩🥩
And I'll take another look and see how I can make the "I" less of a trip-up!
Sorry I have Mom ADD
To clarify: the narrator is Pastor Brad as an adult, telling a story from his youth as Brad Zitt/Pizza Face, who in my head, worked for Morgan’s dad. I wish I’d put a poll in to get a gauge of how many readers/watchers felt at the end that they got the narrator twist!! It’s a very important piece, so thank you again for speaking up. Hope to dive into your latest tonight!!
Language insanity, in all the best ways! Your writing is like a bunch of firecrackers popping right in front of my face. I love the beginning, especially the stuff about "untying" the ribbon.
"What’s the first thing them boys wanted to do when they seen that ribbon? That’s right, they wanted to untie it. Because you see girls, whatcha don’t understand is how hard it is for a boy to see a girl with purity in his heart when she’s doing her Mile Run in a pair of booty shorts, face done up like a supermodel. A boy sees a ring on a finger, and his mind says, Taken. But a boy sees a ribbon, and his mind goes, A present? For me?"
Excellent :)
Thank you, Matt! Funny, that paragraph you pulled is probably my favorite part of the whole story too, haha. Happy that you enjoyed this, and looking forward to reading more of Your work as well! 🥩🥩🥩
It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?
Another great peice! I loved the little nods to other horror stories and playing with readers' preconceptions by using them.
I also loved the sneakily ever present narrator, even point blank saying: he's invisible.
I was a little confused by the funeral home arrangement, as in, which characters do what, but it might just be that I need to reread.
But as always, the pacing was really good, and I always enjoy how you punctuate and set out paragraphs.
Aw, Matt, thank you so much for noticing the nod to outside horror! I was wondering if anyone would pick up on that, and I'm so glad you did! Woo! Made my day, ha!
I also love what you said about the narrator and his invisible presence. Yes! This is what I was trying for!!!! So again, double thanks for picking up on that too.
Also, thank you for pointing out the funeral home job confusion. Was going for Narrator/Pizza Face as assistant to the mortician (Morgan's dad). But I am for sure looking forward to working out those kinks in future drafts to add some much needed clarity in certain places!
Write on, Matt! 🥩🥩🥩
Ah yes! I understood he worked for the funeral home, I just didn't know if it was a family business. This makes the motivation even creepier. And it's already creepy.
Aha! Thanks for clarifying. :)
Maegan! Voice is always top-notch in your pieces. You're obviously mentally unwell dreaming up ideas like this. Takes one to know one. =}
To echo some other comments, I admit to losing track of who's who at points. Usually I chalk that up to being kind of dense, but maybe here the unreliable narrator is a little too unreliable. One idea could be to introduce I earlier into the piece. The reader still wouldn't know who the narrator is, but it could orient the reader in advance of the twist.
As it reads, I'd say it's clearly in first-person POV even though it seems like third-person POV. Pulling that off is an incredible feat of which you should be very proud.
Per usual, the 🥩🥩🥩 was FRESH.
Hey Amran! Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate you chiming in on the narrator. There's a fine line between enticing the reader into an ah-ha moment and confusing them.
My burying the I until the end was in part due to me trying to mimic what Chuck P. recently did in his story, "Commencement." But I'll also admit that I was writing in a different way than usual. 1) Trying to keep this extra tight due to it being written for story night and the 15 minute time cap. 2) Trying to have it read a certain way since it was being read out loud. I have to say it's been interesting learning the differences between a written vs. spoken story. They do different things on the page vs. in the ear! It's quite the challenge to balance. That said, now that the read aloud is over, I'm looking forward to seeing what revisions I can fix in.
And thanks for noticing the first person/third person thing. It took me down to the last minute to figure out how to frame this thing!
Thanks again, Amran! 🥩🥩🥩
Your fellow sicko--I mean psycho--I mean--
Until we MEAT again,
-M
I think you nailed the buried I, so it's a tricky decision whether to introduce it earlier or not. I think another possibility might be to reduce the amount of nicknames/names. Remember, Chuck says names are "abstractions" and he's dead on. Having to keep track of multiple names for the same character makes the reader have to work that much harder.
All that said, while I like clear narration I also enjoy working for the payoff, so by no means would I suggest wholesale changes to this piece.
As for written vs. spoken -- no doubt! With my fiction pieces I always read them aloud to myself during revision. When you do you can immediately identify when something's off. I tend to read my satire and comedy pieces aloud to my wife as well in advance of publishing. That's mostly so I don't get canceled.
I always have to make sure I’m sitting down when I open one of your stories because once I start I can’t stop until it’s over.
Also, the way you lined everything up to be knocked down at the end was masterful. It’s like 10 different payoffs in one go!
Aw, Matt, thank you so much. So happy to hear that you got those payoffs in the end. That is always the aim! Can't thank you enough for coming back. For taking the time. For me, that's the best payoff--having readers like you. Until we meat again, my friend. 🥩🥩🥩
Loved the story. I could see an anthology of stories like this for one small town in the midwest. Nice.
Thank you so much, Rob! And yes what a fun idea!! 🥩🥩🥩
I'm continuously impressed by your ability to conjure up so perfectly in one or two simple images that shared high school experience. This is perfect: "Derrick punts a basketball to the ceiling and knocks out a light, one of those metal halide bulbs."
Loved the bitchiness in the hello MORG-an, as well! It's perfect.
How you manage to get the reader reading it in a certain voice in their head is another skill of yours I'm in awe off. It's those two lines near the beginning in which the narrator says y'all. After that the whole story reads in said accent and tone. It's fucking great, Maegan! I'm not even American but you still get me reading it in that accent in my head.
Well done!
Thank you so much, Kris! I experience the same sort of accent shift when I read your autobiographical stories! I loved your voice in those, and letting it play in my head! So right back atcha, my friend! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Your nod of approval means a lot!