Dear Mrs. Freehling,It has come to our attention that your mother, Mrs. Rose A. Hildeman, is nearing that delicate time of life in which her petals have begun to wilt, many even already fallen off, in fact, making this matter of decision all the more urgent.
Okay, just did a second read. As mentioned elsewhere, the story works on so many levels. And the language/metaphors are, as justifiably praised, vivid and clear. Well done!
There's only one aspect that tripped me up, and I have a suggestion. Even though it's a letter (love the construction), I didn't believe anybody would actually write this. Even via email, even with two (or more) voices in their head.
But, have you ever received a voice-to-text message on your phone? Seen that ridiculous wall of text, which the phone recorder worked so dutifully to translate? What if it was clear this was a voice-to-text transcript of the salesperson's ramblings? That would make the tone, the asides, the ramblings, much more relatable. Like, of course this is what a person sounds like when they're talking to themselves and whoever else is in their head. Alternatively, you could have it be a transcript of a podcast or something similar.
Either way, you could then throw in intentional typos, dead ends, and non-sequiturs to increase tension. Like, where is she going with this?
Had another thought on this. And by the way, it doesn't kill the story by any means, but I actually think it would amp up the comedic value. Anyway, I'd consider adding a line toward the beginning, something along the lines of, "I hope you don't mind, but I've found voice-to-text is a really efficient way for me to write these days, especially with my mother always feeling the need to chime in."
Or something along those lines in your own voice.
I think, for astute readers, this would slyly point out this procedure has a lot of immediate and obvious downsides even while she's putting on the hard sale.
P.S. Received your email and will get back to you soon! Just have to focus on staying on task with actual job stuff today before my husband's head explodes! :)
This is so good, Maegan. Hits the bull's eye on so many different levels. I laughed out loud on more than one occassion. I felt profoundly sad at others. I felt so many different emotions throughout the story, (and I am usually what my wife refers to as a stone)!
Your metaphors and symbols (if I have interpreted them even close to how you intend them) are vividly clear. And the honesty! A narrator (letter writer) we can all understand. This piece has really connected with me.
It took me three attempted readings. First two there were other distractions and I couldn't get into it, couldn't focus. Waited until night and peace and quiet to go back in. Absolutely got it from the beginning. I can see the work and the level of thought that has gone into every sentence, too.
The choice to ground this story in the format of a letter works perfect. I think it gives the reader a base point while they work their way through what’s going on (if that makes sense.) For me, it clicked about a third of the way through, and once it did I was sucked in.
Also by using a letter, you’re able to filter Lily’s feelings through someone else. (I also just realized Lily is also flower...nice.) We feel her emotions without ever hearing her speak.
The voice is great and has a good rhythm, I suspect it was fun to get into and write. The director’s true feelings are revealed cleverly and funny and I think you do a wonderful job. It feels honest.
If (and I don’t know that you need to do this) you want to bring Mrs. Freehling into the story more as a character with competing desires and agency, you could have a few sections of the letter start: “let me address the concern you expressed…”
If somewhere early on, maybe during your explanation of the procedure part of the letter, you mention an earlier Supreme Court case that paved the way for the procedure, you can make the aside that “of course on a court where every justice has great-grandkids they would rule in favor of allowing…”
Or something that picks up the theme of the previous generation enforcing their will on the younger one
Earlier talk of a Supreme Court would also be another reminder for the quick-readers to realize this bee talk isn’t because they’re bees, but a euphemism
I really love the “And even then, sure maybe… you are only hurting yourself” paragraph and wonder if you could repetition-with-variation-and-escalation it a couple times more? For example, director wanted to step into upcoming traffic; mother questioned whether her underwear was clean, it wasn’t always when she was younger, what will the EMTs think of her?
Last paragraph is perfect. Great velocity, great reveal this silly scifi story contains another previously unsuspected layer of coded words…
Which, ideally, sends the reader back again to see what they might have missed
More notes: “you look like a trout” is a great line; Also, great, the trout callback looking at hallmark cards a little later; Also great? “Like, ten seconds tops, can fiddle your flute.” Lol; Also great “needle is not as large as it looks in the trifold pamphlet” - I love how it both address and doesn’t address the concern by bringing in a picture; Honey bee vs. killer bee? the ambiguity here is great.
I hope this helps. It reads like a very polished piece. Language is great. Tone is great.
And if you wanted to go darker with that honey bee killer bee line which currently reads to me like it’s talking about Freehly’s mother, but if you wanted greater possibility that it could be referring to Freehly herself, an earlier line of “you asked what happens if her petals all fall off before the procedure, well, then of course, the procedure cannot be done, but who wishes that?” would increase the possibility that the director is subtly suggesting freehly murder her mom while she can, while extreme its the only option she has left...
And may I confess, I felt compelled to comment somehow, but maybe no comments beyond “this was good,” were needed? That is to say, if anything I say resonated, great; but if not, please quickly dismiss, because it’s a solid story, and stands as is as well done?
Funny you say that because I had “Supreme Court” up where the 10:36 was and then I changed it to 10:36 as a slight mention in an attempt to create this end of story punch in that last line.
Awesome roller coaster of a read. Loved how I went from feeling perplexed, to mystified, to feelings of concern and sadness, then BAM to raging horniness and then a full speed head on crash into a terrifying twist ending. The artwork of the Bee Stamp at the end is absolutely fantastic too! Did you draw that?
Dude. Thank you so much for sharing your reading experience. Really, really happy about all you went through. :) :) :) I'll take that shot of motivation you just gave me and try to use it on my current WIP which had been a real pain in the keister. Can't take credit for the artwork (I frequent Adobe Stock)--I wish I could draw!!
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, Libor!!
Very interesting piece! I'll sleep on it and see if I come up with anything useful to say.
Also, very happy to see Springcrest Transitional Living set up their HQ down the street from my house. :-)
Haha, oh snap!!
Thanks for reading, Amran!!
Always!
Okay, just did a second read. As mentioned elsewhere, the story works on so many levels. And the language/metaphors are, as justifiably praised, vivid and clear. Well done!
There's only one aspect that tripped me up, and I have a suggestion. Even though it's a letter (love the construction), I didn't believe anybody would actually write this. Even via email, even with two (or more) voices in their head.
But, have you ever received a voice-to-text message on your phone? Seen that ridiculous wall of text, which the phone recorder worked so dutifully to translate? What if it was clear this was a voice-to-text transcript of the salesperson's ramblings? That would make the tone, the asides, the ramblings, much more relatable. Like, of course this is what a person sounds like when they're talking to themselves and whoever else is in their head. Alternatively, you could have it be a transcript of a podcast or something similar.
Either way, you could then throw in intentional typos, dead ends, and non-sequiturs to increase tension. Like, where is she going with this?
Just a thought. Let me know what you think.
Thanks for the the second read and the thoughtful comments! Interesting thought about the voice-to-text. I'll have to ponder...
Had another thought on this. And by the way, it doesn't kill the story by any means, but I actually think it would amp up the comedic value. Anyway, I'd consider adding a line toward the beginning, something along the lines of, "I hope you don't mind, but I've found voice-to-text is a really efficient way for me to write these days, especially with my mother always feeling the need to chime in."
Or something along those lines in your own voice.
I think, for astute readers, this would slyly point out this procedure has a lot of immediate and obvious downsides even while she's putting on the hard sale.
P.S. Received your email and will get back to you soon! Just have to focus on staying on task with actual job stuff today before my husband's head explodes! :)
This is so good, Maegan. Hits the bull's eye on so many different levels. I laughed out loud on more than one occassion. I felt profoundly sad at others. I felt so many different emotions throughout the story, (and I am usually what my wife refers to as a stone)!
Your metaphors and symbols (if I have interpreted them even close to how you intend them) are vividly clear. And the honesty! A narrator (letter writer) we can all understand. This piece has really connected with me.
It took me three attempted readings. First two there were other distractions and I couldn't get into it, couldn't focus. Waited until night and peace and quiet to go back in. Absolutely got it from the beginning. I can see the work and the level of thought that has gone into every sentence, too.
Well done, Maegan!
Kris, thank you, thank you, thank you so much for the generous comments. I’m so glad you ended up connecting with it. ❤️ That is always my hope!!!
This is a step above!
The choice to ground this story in the format of a letter works perfect. I think it gives the reader a base point while they work their way through what’s going on (if that makes sense.) For me, it clicked about a third of the way through, and once it did I was sucked in.
Also by using a letter, you’re able to filter Lily’s feelings through someone else. (I also just realized Lily is also flower...nice.) We feel her emotions without ever hearing her speak.
It also gives me “Spiderhead” vibes. Awesome job!
Thank you so much, Matt! 🥰🥰🥰
The voice is great and has a good rhythm, I suspect it was fun to get into and write. The director’s true feelings are revealed cleverly and funny and I think you do a wonderful job. It feels honest.
If (and I don’t know that you need to do this) you want to bring Mrs. Freehling into the story more as a character with competing desires and agency, you could have a few sections of the letter start: “let me address the concern you expressed…”
If somewhere early on, maybe during your explanation of the procedure part of the letter, you mention an earlier Supreme Court case that paved the way for the procedure, you can make the aside that “of course on a court where every justice has great-grandkids they would rule in favor of allowing…”
Or something that picks up the theme of the previous generation enforcing their will on the younger one
Earlier talk of a Supreme Court would also be another reminder for the quick-readers to realize this bee talk isn’t because they’re bees, but a euphemism
I really love the “And even then, sure maybe… you are only hurting yourself” paragraph and wonder if you could repetition-with-variation-and-escalation it a couple times more? For example, director wanted to step into upcoming traffic; mother questioned whether her underwear was clean, it wasn’t always when she was younger, what will the EMTs think of her?
Last paragraph is perfect. Great velocity, great reveal this silly scifi story contains another previously unsuspected layer of coded words…
Which, ideally, sends the reader back again to see what they might have missed
More notes: “you look like a trout” is a great line; Also, great, the trout callback looking at hallmark cards a little later; Also great? “Like, ten seconds tops, can fiddle your flute.” Lol; Also great “needle is not as large as it looks in the trifold pamphlet” - I love how it both address and doesn’t address the concern by bringing in a picture; Honey bee vs. killer bee? the ambiguity here is great.
I hope this helps. It reads like a very polished piece. Language is great. Tone is great.
And if you changed the director to an asst. director, it would echo the in-charge, not really in-charge theme
And if you wanted to go darker with that honey bee killer bee line which currently reads to me like it’s talking about Freehly’s mother, but if you wanted greater possibility that it could be referring to Freehly herself, an earlier line of “you asked what happens if her petals all fall off before the procedure, well, then of course, the procedure cannot be done, but who wishes that?” would increase the possibility that the director is subtly suggesting freehly murder her mom while she can, while extreme its the only option she has left...
And may I confess, I felt compelled to comment somehow, but maybe no comments beyond “this was good,” were needed? That is to say, if anything I say resonated, great; but if not, please quickly dismiss, because it’s a solid story, and stands as is as well done?
Like, already I’m second guessing my suggestion to mention the Supreme Court earlier in the story beyond the 10:36 am line.
Because it’s sudden appearance at the end is effective and powerful and mentioning it earlier might dilute the gut-punch of closing you’ve crafted.
Funny you say that because I had “Supreme Court” up where the 10:36 was and then I changed it to 10:36 as a slight mention in an attempt to create this end of story punch in that last line.
I might just do this…
Thank you as always for the comprehensive and valuable feedback.
Although I don’t see your name under the list of “likes.” Do you not like it or something??! 😆🤣🤣😁 Just teasing.
Omfg
😁😁😁
I feel this same shade on my stories these days...
This is amazing. It's a shame I needed so long to read it!
Thank you so much, Jack!!
You're welcome!
Awesome roller coaster of a read. Loved how I went from feeling perplexed, to mystified, to feelings of concern and sadness, then BAM to raging horniness and then a full speed head on crash into a terrifying twist ending. The artwork of the Bee Stamp at the end is absolutely fantastic too! Did you draw that?
Dude. Thank you so much for sharing your reading experience. Really, really happy about all you went through. :) :) :) I'll take that shot of motivation you just gave me and try to use it on my current WIP which had been a real pain in the keister. Can't take credit for the artwork (I frequent Adobe Stock)--I wish I could draw!!