“Come on, Stace.” Kiki was yanking her by the wrist. “And don’t give me that, but I feel guilty, bullshit.” Yanking her by the wrist, marching her across the parking lot, their white sashes flapping in the wind, heels click-clack-click-clacking up to the entrance where the neon letters glowed against the night sky.
Cool direction with Chuck’s funeral home debt prompt. But you end Stace’ session too soon! Does the future technology stimulate odor? Is there an unwelcome sound, like his skin flapping in the wind or a foot dragging on asphalt? And most importantly - touch? His torn lips, his shredded fingers, his missing crotch? Likewise, her increasing heartbeat, tensing of muscles, eyes drying from opening wide in shock, etc... Could you escalate the ending to show Joey embracing her?
Consider having Stace piece together a bit of what’s happening before Joey touches her... or you could insert an explanation through the clever computer text intrusion like, ------processing----- account in escrow (or appropriate legal term)-------processing------ session locked until debt paid in full-------- that way, you wouldnt need to explain so much of whats happening the with closing conversation between brock and kiki. And to amp up the horror, Lars could tell Kiki the session is locked until Joey’s debt is paid but Kiki isnt informed that Joey is a corpse... so she’s hearing screams and banging but assumes its wild sex and is telling brock you better pay before Stace changes her mind about the wedding, its forty minutes and she sounds like she’s having the time of her life
Imo, this is really strong. I like the parenthesis thoughts. And all the “Joey” slips of tongue phrases. Ha! Characters feel authentic.
Wil, thank you for the detailed notes!! Uggghhh—all good points!!! It’s just squeaking in at under 2500 words right now. I’ll stew on your suggestions and maybe I can swap some words from the closing paragraph to fix things up a bit. Really good suggestions, thank you! Will let yours and anyone else’s comments soak in and then determine how to proceed!!! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!!!
My mom watched it one day when I was away at college; she chose a random comedy from the collection of videos I had in my room. Told me she was having a bad day and needed a laugh and that movie cracked her up, she appreciated it. I told her Kevin Smith had a sequel of sorts in Mallrats. (This happened way before Clerks II). She said, “oh no. I don’t want to watch it with you.”
Thanks again, Wil! For now, I did a modest/minimal tweak with your advice in mind. Thanks so much. I was struggling with logistics of how to explain the end without info-dumping it, and your ideas helped. Now I'm gonna try really hard not to touch it while I absorb the rest of yours and others' feedback! Thanks again!!!!!!
First read comments with the qualifier that I'm daft in mind: The narrative arc of this story is very digestible, but here's a few things that might help with added clarity (which I've mostly picked up from Chuck):
1. There are times when it's not super clear if the narrator is talking about Joey or Brock. I can infer, but attribution or just using the name would make it easier to comprehend. Remember, don't make the reader think! And dumb it down in places for the not-too-bright readers (e.g., me).
2. L, D, and P stood for, I presume, Living, Deceased, and Pending (?). To me, I'd just spell it out. Instead of making the reader decipher it, let them realize, Oh, you can virtually simulate fucking dead people! Holy shit! The idea is what creates the intrigue, not the ambiguity. Also, knowing exactly what her options are, the astute reader (sometimes me) might infer she's going to pick a dead person, which might lead to disaster, which means they better keep reading to find out.
3. The significance of HWNSNBSETTD was a bit confusing to me. At first I thought it was Joey, but then it's clear it's not, but then I was like, Okay, then who is this person? Unless I missed something obvious (likely), then this seems like a place to downsize.
4. In the paragraph starting "On Kiki’s cell, Martell, Brock’s Best Man—their best man..." there's way too many names. Easy to critique this after seeing Chuck pound on it, but it's definitely true. While reading I was like, there's no way I'm going to try to keep track of these people. Better to use descriptors like Brock's best man, Brock's weed-smoking buddy, Brock's boss, my work frenemy, or whatever.
Related to this, if you've queried a novel or written a novel synopsis, or are planning to, you'll see that you're not supposed to name more than three characters, because otherwise it's too much to keep track of. In my WIP novel synopsis (which I'm editing now), I name four characters only: protagonist, co-antagonists, and mystery character. In the query letter I only name three.
5. Everything Wil said is spot on. The setup is great, but maybe too long, and the payoff is rushed. Give me 1,500 words of set-up, then 500-1,000 words of sheer terror to close the story out. That would be incredible. Also, if you make it clear the simulation went horribly awry, you might be able to do away with the last paragraph entirely. You'll have "earned" the ending.
To be clear: this story is really, really interesting. It sounds like a lot of critiquing, but some simple changes would flow through the entire story with monster impact. Hoping you modify and re-post. Super good stuff.
Thank you so much for being so generous with your time! Great points you've made. Funny, because some of the things you brought up I mulled over and then decided (opposite, hehe) of your suggestions.
-Like the L, D, and P thing. I considered spelling them out but after reading Saunders' Sempia Girls decided no, give the reader an aha! moment as the end closes in...
-HWNSNBSETTD is short for He Whose Name Shall Never Be Spoken Even To This Day. I spelled it out once and then went with the acronym thereafter, hoping readers would follow.
-Although I agree with Wil on a lot, I'm still not convinced I should show more with Joey and whatever her name is I totally forgot and am typing with one hand due to baby half asleep. Its like if you show the monster, he's not scary anymore. Or the tension ends. Or the escalation is done. I'm still stewing on it but sometimes I like to let the reader fill in the worst...
That said, I will seriously take into consideration all of your above feedback before I someday revise. This is exactly what I hoped for my substack: a place to post drafts for others to give their two cents on. Thank you so so so much!!!!! baby crying have good night
Oh wow both kids asleep. Yay. Back to the HWNSNBSETTD thing. Is it unclear that this is a new person? I was trying to peel back layers. Like an onion. Like here’s a few guys she banged but the pain of this guy, an ex that she can’t even say his name is what I was going for. And he is first on the list because trying to get at she lost her virginity to him...
I just re-read up to this section. I totally see what you're doing here, and it makes sense. And it's well written! In my opinion, as one reader, here are a few thoughts on why it dragged for me.
If you do a Control+F search on your story, and look for Joey first, note how many times his name appears in the story. Then do the same thing for HWNSNBSETTD. Joey is the constant source of tension throughout the story. The will she/won't she? HWNSNBSETTD is concentrated in one section that feels like a sidebar. It's clear at first HWNSNBSETTD is a new person, but then I doubted myself because so much of the talk to that point was about Joey, and that took me out of the flow of the story. Everything preceding it told me the narrator, Stacy, wanted Joey one last time, and I kept reading to find out what would happen.
Also, and now I'm harping a bit, I think the HWNSNBSETTD acronym directly after the L, D, P thing was making me have to work too hard. You know how Chuck talks about abstractions? I felt like these back-to-back were a bit too much and interrupted the flow. Also, after having nightmares about your story, and my kids, I was thinking that a simple user interface on a touchscreen would probably have the L, D, P words just spelled out. Think about how much they dumb down consumer technology to keep you hooked. I fixate - sorry!
So, here's a suggestion for the HWNSNBSETTD part:
Sort Chronologically.
Eyes automatically to the [top - think UX design], to the beginning, to her first [italics]. Wishing, hoping in some twisted way for a P or D or P next to He Whose Name Shall Never Be Spoken Even to This Day’s (HWNSNBSETTD) name.
HWNSNBSETTD, whose mom had once popped up in the same checkout line and whoosh—hiyo! Uterus here. Guess what? Here’s a super plus plus period, right here, right now in these unsuspecting pants!
HWNSNBSETTD, whose mom said she didn't even recognize you at graduation. Who just smiled and cocked her head, “Who are you again?”
HWNSNBSETTD, whose name was marked L. Fine, he was alive and well. Good for him. [maybe also some allusion wondering/hoping the mom was dead?]
Scrolling.
Rando at the Michigan State game - pass. Sweet little guy with the premature ejaculation problem - pass. Those twins from Cancun - oooh tempting.
Her finger on Joey. She’d known he’d be there, with the P. Then it’s Kiki bouncing next to her going, “Joey?” Kiki jumping, “Omigod, you wanna do Joey?”
Also, when you're ready, feel free to DECIMATE the following two posts, which are modified chapters from my zombified novel. I'm tough - I can take it. :-)
Yes you are awesome. Thank you for helping! I feel the helpfulness in your comments. :) :) a thick skin/openness to feedback is the only way to improve. I always want to pinpoint where my readers get bored and why. So thank you for the dissection. Can’t wait to check out your links. Oh and Happy Father’s Day!
Absolutely no rush! This Friday I'm publishing a new section as well. I did the Saunders cutting exercise and really pared it down. Would love your thoughts once it comes out.
Cool direction with Chuck’s funeral home debt prompt. But you end Stace’ session too soon! Does the future technology stimulate odor? Is there an unwelcome sound, like his skin flapping in the wind or a foot dragging on asphalt? And most importantly - touch? His torn lips, his shredded fingers, his missing crotch? Likewise, her increasing heartbeat, tensing of muscles, eyes drying from opening wide in shock, etc... Could you escalate the ending to show Joey embracing her?
Consider having Stace piece together a bit of what’s happening before Joey touches her... or you could insert an explanation through the clever computer text intrusion like, ------processing----- account in escrow (or appropriate legal term)-------processing------ session locked until debt paid in full-------- that way, you wouldnt need to explain so much of whats happening the with closing conversation between brock and kiki. And to amp up the horror, Lars could tell Kiki the session is locked until Joey’s debt is paid but Kiki isnt informed that Joey is a corpse... so she’s hearing screams and banging but assumes its wild sex and is telling brock you better pay before Stace changes her mind about the wedding, its forty minutes and she sounds like she’s having the time of her life
Imo, this is really strong. I like the parenthesis thoughts. And all the “Joey” slips of tongue phrases. Ha! Characters feel authentic.
Wil, thank you for the detailed notes!! Uggghhh—all good points!!! It’s just squeaking in at under 2500 words right now. I’ll stew on your suggestions and maybe I can swap some words from the closing paragraph to fix things up a bit. Really good suggestions, thank you! Will let yours and anyone else’s comments soak in and then determine how to proceed!!! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!!!
https://youtu.be/1OQl89ewXvc 452 dicks! I feel old and out of touch.
452 blowjobs, not dicks!! 😆😆
Either way, I feel old and out of touch as well, so there.
I haven’t seen that movie in ages.
My mom watched it one day when I was away at college; she chose a random comedy from the collection of videos I had in my room. Told me she was having a bad day and needed a laugh and that movie cracked her up, she appreciated it. I told her Kevin Smith had a sequel of sorts in Mallrats. (This happened way before Clerks II). She said, “oh no. I don’t want to watch it with you.”
😂🤣
A moment we’ll never have with our kids. (Since it’s all streaming now!)
Thanks again, Wil! For now, I did a modest/minimal tweak with your advice in mind. Thanks so much. I was struggling with logistics of how to explain the end without info-dumping it, and your ideas helped. Now I'm gonna try really hard not to touch it while I absorb the rest of yours and others' feedback! Thanks again!!!!!!
Onto the next story!
And then back again!
Right!
All of this. Great feedback and suggestions.
First read comments with the qualifier that I'm daft in mind: The narrative arc of this story is very digestible, but here's a few things that might help with added clarity (which I've mostly picked up from Chuck):
1. There are times when it's not super clear if the narrator is talking about Joey or Brock. I can infer, but attribution or just using the name would make it easier to comprehend. Remember, don't make the reader think! And dumb it down in places for the not-too-bright readers (e.g., me).
2. L, D, and P stood for, I presume, Living, Deceased, and Pending (?). To me, I'd just spell it out. Instead of making the reader decipher it, let them realize, Oh, you can virtually simulate fucking dead people! Holy shit! The idea is what creates the intrigue, not the ambiguity. Also, knowing exactly what her options are, the astute reader (sometimes me) might infer she's going to pick a dead person, which might lead to disaster, which means they better keep reading to find out.
3. The significance of HWNSNBSETTD was a bit confusing to me. At first I thought it was Joey, but then it's clear it's not, but then I was like, Okay, then who is this person? Unless I missed something obvious (likely), then this seems like a place to downsize.
4. In the paragraph starting "On Kiki’s cell, Martell, Brock’s Best Man—their best man..." there's way too many names. Easy to critique this after seeing Chuck pound on it, but it's definitely true. While reading I was like, there's no way I'm going to try to keep track of these people. Better to use descriptors like Brock's best man, Brock's weed-smoking buddy, Brock's boss, my work frenemy, or whatever.
Related to this, if you've queried a novel or written a novel synopsis, or are planning to, you'll see that you're not supposed to name more than three characters, because otherwise it's too much to keep track of. In my WIP novel synopsis (which I'm editing now), I name four characters only: protagonist, co-antagonists, and mystery character. In the query letter I only name three.
5. Everything Wil said is spot on. The setup is great, but maybe too long, and the payoff is rushed. Give me 1,500 words of set-up, then 500-1,000 words of sheer terror to close the story out. That would be incredible. Also, if you make it clear the simulation went horribly awry, you might be able to do away with the last paragraph entirely. You'll have "earned" the ending.
To be clear: this story is really, really interesting. It sounds like a lot of critiquing, but some simple changes would flow through the entire story with monster impact. Hoping you modify and re-post. Super good stuff.
Amran, Wow!
Thank you so much for being so generous with your time! Great points you've made. Funny, because some of the things you brought up I mulled over and then decided (opposite, hehe) of your suggestions.
-Like the L, D, and P thing. I considered spelling them out but after reading Saunders' Sempia Girls decided no, give the reader an aha! moment as the end closes in...
-HWNSNBSETTD is short for He Whose Name Shall Never Be Spoken Even To This Day. I spelled it out once and then went with the acronym thereafter, hoping readers would follow.
-Although I agree with Wil on a lot, I'm still not convinced I should show more with Joey and whatever her name is I totally forgot and am typing with one hand due to baby half asleep. Its like if you show the monster, he's not scary anymore. Or the tension ends. Or the escalation is done. I'm still stewing on it but sometimes I like to let the reader fill in the worst...
That said, I will seriously take into consideration all of your above feedback before I someday revise. This is exactly what I hoped for my substack: a place to post drafts for others to give their two cents on. Thank you so so so much!!!!! baby crying have good night
Fair enough! Good luck with the kids. :-)
Thank you and really just to reiterate the feedback is much much much appreciated, valued, and welcomed!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much.
Oh wow both kids asleep. Yay. Back to the HWNSNBSETTD thing. Is it unclear that this is a new person? I was trying to peel back layers. Like an onion. Like here’s a few guys she banged but the pain of this guy, an ex that she can’t even say his name is what I was going for. And he is first on the list because trying to get at she lost her virginity to him...
I just re-read up to this section. I totally see what you're doing here, and it makes sense. And it's well written! In my opinion, as one reader, here are a few thoughts on why it dragged for me.
If you do a Control+F search on your story, and look for Joey first, note how many times his name appears in the story. Then do the same thing for HWNSNBSETTD. Joey is the constant source of tension throughout the story. The will she/won't she? HWNSNBSETTD is concentrated in one section that feels like a sidebar. It's clear at first HWNSNBSETTD is a new person, but then I doubted myself because so much of the talk to that point was about Joey, and that took me out of the flow of the story. Everything preceding it told me the narrator, Stacy, wanted Joey one last time, and I kept reading to find out what would happen.
Also, and now I'm harping a bit, I think the HWNSNBSETTD acronym directly after the L, D, P thing was making me have to work too hard. You know how Chuck talks about abstractions? I felt like these back-to-back were a bit too much and interrupted the flow. Also, after having nightmares about your story, and my kids, I was thinking that a simple user interface on a touchscreen would probably have the L, D, P words just spelled out. Think about how much they dumb down consumer technology to keep you hooked. I fixate - sorry!
So, here's a suggestion for the HWNSNBSETTD part:
Sort Chronologically.
Eyes automatically to the [top - think UX design], to the beginning, to her first [italics]. Wishing, hoping in some twisted way for a P or D or P next to He Whose Name Shall Never Be Spoken Even to This Day’s (HWNSNBSETTD) name.
HWNSNBSETTD, whose mom had once popped up in the same checkout line and whoosh—hiyo! Uterus here. Guess what? Here’s a super plus plus period, right here, right now in these unsuspecting pants!
HWNSNBSETTD, whose mom said she didn't even recognize you at graduation. Who just smiled and cocked her head, “Who are you again?”
HWNSNBSETTD, whose name was marked L. Fine, he was alive and well. Good for him. [maybe also some allusion wondering/hoping the mom was dead?]
Scrolling.
Rando at the Michigan State game - pass. Sweet little guy with the premature ejaculation problem - pass. Those twins from Cancun - oooh tempting.
Her finger on Joey. She’d known he’d be there, with the P. Then it’s Kiki bouncing next to her going, “Joey?” Kiki jumping, “Omigod, you wanna do Joey?”
Thank you so much. This is great. Valuable. Love it.
By the way, I'm just trying to help! I hope this is useful because I love these story concepts.
You should also check out this short story collection called HOW TO WALK ON WATER by Rachel Swearingen: https://www.amazon.com/How-Walk-Water-Other-Stories/dp/1941561225. Your stuff has a similar vibe.
Also, when you're ready, feel free to DECIMATE the following two posts, which are modified chapters from my zombified novel. I'm tough - I can take it. :-)
https://agowani.substack.com/p/power-lunch-7e31c3c16a3e
https://agowani.substack.com/p/the-matrix-5ac96e3e167e
Yes you are awesome. Thank you for helping! I feel the helpfulness in your comments. :) :) a thick skin/openness to feedback is the only way to improve. I always want to pinpoint where my readers get bored and why. So thank you for the dissection. Can’t wait to check out your links. Oh and Happy Father’s Day!
I haven’t forgotten your novel. Busy week but I have you earmarked.
Absolutely no rush! This Friday I'm publishing a new section as well. I did the Saunders cutting exercise and really pared it down. Would love your thoughts once it comes out.