This is great! I like this a lot: “my feet take turns hiding each other.“ relatable physical action to get across awkwardness/uncertainty, its a perfect ‘show, dont tell.’ Awesome good use of themes, how Porter’s story sets up the hair removal clay from Josie’s dad’s corner cutting - which you expertly set up early during the visit. in fact, you have a lot of great setup and payoffs. Good job!
I don’t think your story has many areas of improvement, but some stuff you could try? There’s humor left on the table with the giant wiener. For fun, the teacher could be scolding the class while holding anonymous’ sculpture, perhaps waving it about for emphasis?
Hey, enjoyed this. Really captures that high-school pressure/anxiety/not-knowing-shit-about-shit-but-thinking-everyone-else-does vibe. And fascinating to experience that from a girl's perspective. Cool writing.
Amazing stuff! Though I read this before Chuck's take and knew nothing about the radioactivity prompt, so I felt like Dylan's Mr. Jones: "You KNOW something is happening, but you don't know what it is..." Also, there was an awesome part in Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow where a character was bathing in a radioactive river – I thought of that here. Whether or not you were inspired by that legendary work is immaterial, since you you have such a wonderful, down-to-Earth-yet-still-hypnotic voice. I was also perplexed by the queef demonstration–I thought the computer bit directly afterwards only confused good, no great writing. Impressive!
Thank you so much, Jack! Not familiar with Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow, but will check out after my final draft is done! Thank you so, so much for taking the time to read and comment. I love hearing what is happening in readers' heads as they process a story. It's difficult to read clear-headed on your own work, yet so essential for revision! Have a great weekend!
One final tip Maegan...Pynchon is...uh...not like other writers. I'd start with Vineland (like me) or Inherent Vice and then, if you're into it, SLOWLY work my up to the legendary masterpiece, one of Lisa Simpson's favorite books: Gravity's Rainbow. A librarian once said he started the latter book and read about 8 pages on day one, 20 on day two, and on day three he was back in the library doing research.Incredibly detailed history of the back rooms in England, France, and especially Deutschland during the last days of WWII-but everything written is merely a metaphor for America in the 60's. It's tough sledding (also hilarious!), but judging from your writing I think you'll appreciate his. Sorry about this length, I'm kind of a fan...
This is great! I like this a lot: “my feet take turns hiding each other.“ relatable physical action to get across awkwardness/uncertainty, its a perfect ‘show, dont tell.’ Awesome good use of themes, how Porter’s story sets up the hair removal clay from Josie’s dad’s corner cutting - which you expertly set up early during the visit. in fact, you have a lot of great setup and payoffs. Good job!
Wil thank you so much!!
Also, voice was wonderful throughout! Read real and amazed and tortured and true!
I don’t think your story has many areas of improvement, but some stuff you could try? There’s humor left on the table with the giant wiener. For fun, the teacher could be scolding the class while holding anonymous’ sculpture, perhaps waving it about for emphasis?
Good idea! Thank you!
I am so happy you enjoyed it!
Hey, enjoyed this. Really captures that high-school pressure/anxiety/not-knowing-shit-about-shit-but-thinking-everyone-else-does vibe. And fascinating to experience that from a girl's perspective. Cool writing.
Thank you so much, Kris!!
Amazing stuff! Though I read this before Chuck's take and knew nothing about the radioactivity prompt, so I felt like Dylan's Mr. Jones: "You KNOW something is happening, but you don't know what it is..." Also, there was an awesome part in Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow where a character was bathing in a radioactive river – I thought of that here. Whether or not you were inspired by that legendary work is immaterial, since you you have such a wonderful, down-to-Earth-yet-still-hypnotic voice. I was also perplexed by the queef demonstration–I thought the computer bit directly afterwards only confused good, no great writing. Impressive!
Thank you so much, Jack! Not familiar with Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow, but will check out after my final draft is done! Thank you so, so much for taking the time to read and comment. I love hearing what is happening in readers' heads as they process a story. It's difficult to read clear-headed on your own work, yet so essential for revision! Have a great weekend!
One final tip Maegan...Pynchon is...uh...not like other writers. I'd start with Vineland (like me) or Inherent Vice and then, if you're into it, SLOWLY work my up to the legendary masterpiece, one of Lisa Simpson's favorite books: Gravity's Rainbow. A librarian once said he started the latter book and read about 8 pages on day one, 20 on day two, and on day three he was back in the library doing research.Incredibly detailed history of the back rooms in England, France, and especially Deutschland during the last days of WWII-but everything written is merely a metaphor for America in the 60's. It's tough sledding (also hilarious!), but judging from your writing I think you'll appreciate his. Sorry about this length, I'm kind of a fan...
Thanks for the added notes!! Much appreciated!